all hands on the bad one

because I said soSoundtrack for today: Lloyd Cole and the Commotions. I heart “Are You Ready to Be Heartbroken?” so very much.

Elle’s Important Alphabet:

A… Aaron and Aleen are African American!

B… B is for Bravery. B’s are important. Beer is also important. Well, it’s not important, but I tend to think it’s important. B is also for Bukaki, and I think only a few select people know what that is. If you do, email me and I’ll send you an “L” (see below.) And Boobies.

C…Contact Lenses, which I have been wearing since age 12. Only half of my disposable lenses are covered by my health care, which means six months out of the year I have to actually pay for these, making me wonder if I am cheap enough just to wear glasses half the year. It also makes me consider laser eye surgery. Did you know that if you have laser eye surgery and try to climb Mount Everest, ice crystals form in the slices they made in your corneas with the laser? It’s true. Your eyeballs freeze. It makes me wonder; although my father thinks that this will “really never be an issue, will it?” Probably not. It’s also for coffee and college. College was a lot of money.

D… Diamonds. More and more of my friends have one on their right hand, and it starts me a-wondering. Mostly my train of thought follows my friends getting married when they’ve been with their finacees far less time than with Sig Other, since our relationship began in the womb, practically. Then I start thinking about whether I’d really want a diamond anyways, since The Man cuts off people’s arms for that shiny shit in South Africa (thus the name “blood diamonds”); and then I start thinking about other gemstones, like Sapphires, where the white man also has total control and practically enslaves natives to pick the brilliant blue out of the dust, and then I think that none of this probably really matters, and maybe I’ll just settle for a pearl, but then isn’t that not PC to rip a pearl from the poor poor poor oysters? It’s all very complicated, the diamond business. D is for Dirty Old Men.

E… all my Evening Wear looks alike. Ha! Fooled you. I don’t own any Evening Wear. E is for L.

F… Frozen Marshmellows are really good. They really just taste like cold, stale, marshmellows, but they really stick to the ribs and they are sweet. I have become creative when there is no food in the house. You can freeze almost anything and fool yourself into thinking it’s candy. F = Forty and Fire.

G… Grandfathers. Lots of people have grandfathers. I never had a grandfather. Well, I had one, but he used to call me “Girl” because he could never remember my name. My dad will be the most outstanding grandfather someday. G, coincidentally, is also for Girl. And for Grump, since the older my dad gets, the bigger a grump he is.

H… Helium. I used to work at a camp/school every summer for high school and college yearbook and newspaper staffs. Yeah, I was a dork. Part of our jobs as “teaching assistants” involved blowing up 8,000,000 + balloons for registration day. Shocker, I was the goof that would end up with a headache from ganking the helium. It’s where I met Mike. Mike is the best.

I… is for Intranet. That is what I am supposed to be working on, Instead of typing this.

J… J is for Patience. It just is.

K… is for my friend Justin’s newfound life as a blue-collar Kleptomaniac. Like he said to me today on the phone, “I’ve been so good for so long, I just needed to be bad for a little while.” I totally understand. K is also for Sewerhole and her big mouth. I so miss her NYC ass.

L… is for Lollipops.

M… M is for my Mother and the Money she uses to bail me out of sticky situations. The Money she loves to talk about and I love to avoid talking about. I hate my Money, but I love my Mom. M is also for “Meh” and Men and Music. Sometimes good, sometimes not.

N… if yer Nasty.

O… Olympus-sumthin-or-other.

P… Plans. I have tried to Plan my life a lot of times, and somehow those plans never work they way I think they are going to work. Perhaps this is a sign, stop planning and just roll. P is also for Porkchop.

Q… is for Qwerty is a funny typeface, Queenie, and Quepol; which for some odd reason used to be my password for my email.

R… Running; to somewhere, from someone, for something. It’s also for Roommates.

S… S is for Girlfriends. A lot of my girlfriends have names that start with s. It’s kind of bizarre, really. S is for wearing Socks in bed..

T… is for Tea; Thumbs and Toes

U… For You. And U. And Yew.

V… is for Volunteering to go up to a bartender and ask where the condom machine is to get a reaction. Ha ha. V is also for Vixen. Maybe the two are related, but I don’t think so.

W… Water is important. Water is tasty and good. Water makes me think of hot days in Europe, of baking on the Outer Banks, of junior high at the “Swim Club” when my hair would turn green from hours of chlorine. Water makes me think of hot showers. Water makes me think of cold fountains, and of high school, when my skin was dark brown and when 16 year old girls got paid to bake and bake and then cool off in aqua colored bliss. (I realized pulling 200 pound men out of 13 feet of water; and a future of skin cancer treatments may not be the benefits I thought they were.) Water is my friend. It shocks me sometimes that I’m a Capricorn. Although I’m so very, very, Capricorny in many ways; I might have a little Aquababy in me too. W is for Go West.

X… is for Xavier’s/ Timmy Me’s mixtape, in the back of my car.

Y… is for Yak. I wish I had a pet yak.

Z… is for Zappa and Zac; who’s music taste isn’t all that shitty. After all, I sing along to Nelly Furtado and Madonna. There, I admit it. Pop AND Snob!

2 Responses to “all hands on the bad one”


  • Elle:

    Did I say right? I meant left.
    You are such an effing dumbass.

    Love,
    Elle

  • “J… J is for Patience. It just is.”

    dont ask me why but thats the funniest thing i read all day.

    -Zac,
    who gets yet another shout out on the OM journal!

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