things that happen

The conversation I had with Matt last week (note to self, CALL HIM, you are a bad friend) started innocently enough. He was trying to buy a computer off of Ebay, and wanted me to talk him through the bidding process. He is new at this. “I will not pay more than $100.” For him that is a lot of money. He’s a cheap bastard. I think he just wanted it for parts.

“You know, you can get all sorts of crizap on Ebay” I say to Matt the Ebay virgin. “Like organs and shit.”

“I know. That is so cool. Oh my God. Do it.”

“What?”

“Sell your eggs on Ebay.”

“No.”

“Okay, not on Ebay. But that is some sure fire cash right there. Seriously. DO it. I could be your egg pimp.”

“I’d only give you like, 5%.”

“Whatever. You should so look into that though. You have a college degree! And you’re tall! I’m looking for sites right now. You are so doing this.”
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I kind of feel like to each his own, but I still don’t understand anorexia. Like Julie once said “what do those girls do for fun?” I mean, eating is MY THING. I think it’s so very sad if someone honestly think they should look like some fuckhead brainless twit in a magazine. There is a much easier solution. Stop reading magazines. That way, you don’t have to die.
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Sig other’s roommate has night terrors. It’s some kind of disease, like “Parapsychoinsomnia.” Sig thinks it’s just “Parainsomnia,” but I’m pretty insistent that there is a “psycho” involved somewhere.

Anyway. He wakes up and screams and tears through the house manically, screaming loud. Like a panther, or a woman being stabbed. The first time it happened, I honestly thought someone was being killed. It’s some kind of crazy neurological disorder that releases surge of adrenalin and molds his brain into a constant response of “fight or flight.” I don’t think he gets much sleep.

He scared the poop out of me.
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Sometimes I think I would probably be a good mother, but I just don’t want the responsibility.
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A guy goes to his doctor and the doctor tells him “I’ve got some good news and I’ve got some bad news.”

The guy says “OK, doc, give me the bad news.”

The doctor says “You’ve got six weeks to live.”

The guy says “Six weeks? Oh jeez…. Okay, give me the good news.”

The doctor points to the door to the waiting room and says “You see that nurse out there? I finally fucked her!
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Contrary to recent belief systems spewing up in “Wet Seals” and “debs” and “Gadzooks” nationwide, the Bedazzler makes the world LESS fasionable.
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Pirates are really, super funny.
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Claymation, specifically Rudolph the Red Nose reindeer, frightens me. When I was a senior in high school, the last day before Christmas break, my friend Stephanie practically had to tie me to my desk in Trig. Because my teacher showed that. I hated Trig, but I would have rather had a test at that point.
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Scene:

I’m standing the Gap, making a scene. My cell phone is ringing while I’m flapping around in an XXL men’s coat, trying to pretend to be a hulking guy of 6’4” so his wife can see if the jacket I’m wearing will fit him.

This is what I’ve come to.

My cell phone rings, and I hear my mother laughing. She can’t talk. The call waiting beeps, and it’s my friend Shannon, gasping. “Help me help me help me omigod help. Tv. TEEVEEE.”

What the hell is going on.

Apparently, as tornadoes ripped through the Washington DC area, a tornado of a different kind was on television. It’s a tornado that destroyed my faith in humanity, attempted to wipe out any remaining feminist thought, sucked up redeeming television programming and spit it back out. And, I had a friend involved. Unfortunately.

Only on Fox. (Which, ahem, “Undeclared” premiers tonight and it looks wicked laughable.)

I won’t say who, but a good friend of mine definitely was on “Who Wants to Be A Princess” last night. I couldn’t take my eyes off the TV. It was like a trainwreck. A Barbie train with Special Glitter Moving Wheels!

Better yet, she made it into the top ten. AWESOME!

Now, I would say with any other friend that this was done as a joke, but OH. I know her. I have traveled with her. She is yes, gorgeous and dark skinned muscle men world-wide would like to boink her. Many a time I have taken someone’s number for her. I am the ugly friend. But still. This is ridiculous. I hope she finds the fame she so wants though.

I wonder if they made her take out her tongue bar for last night? Probably. That’s not very princess-like. And, um. I wasn’t aware of Italian royalty still in existence. That must be a formality.
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Other people say better things:

random gun violence doesn’t bother me. you know what really bothers me? people who put hats on dogs.

one of my theories: every girl has had a stupid, asshole boyfriend named mike.

“Every dad’s cool but your own. My dad’s a big fat moron. You guys would love him.”

1 Response to “things that happen”


  • yeah, i’m going to try and catch Undeclared tonight myself, mainly because they seem to have hired half the cast of Freaks and Geeks, for which they deserve some sort of credit.

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