This City

kristen at chili cookoff 2001So, this is my story. Tonite, I was walking home in the rain. I didn’t bother to open the umbrella, it wasn’t worth it. I wanted the rain to seep into me, to crash onto my body and soak me in, drown me and bathe me and leave me clean. I wanted the smell of the hot city cooling off with droplets of water be all that I ever needed in this world. I didn’t want a person near me. I wanted this city to clear out, I wanted to own this city for one moment only. I wanted the noise to stop, I wanted the beating of my heart to stop, I wanted one moment in time to be savored and picked out especially for me. I wanted to stop thinking, I wanted to feel with all of my senses, I wanted to hold this place this enormous piece of land in my hand wash it and make it clean. I wanted to be a giant looking over all of this city, it’s filth, it’s heart, it’s crime, it’s transportation sysem, it’s unbearable pushing of me, I wanted to see that. I wanted to hold that. I wanted every ounce of anger to come flooding out of me in the middle of 7th Avenue. That anger was tears, my tears came so quickly, so forcefully and uncontrollably that it drowned this whole city in a light rain that didn’t make them pull out their umbrella, but made them hold on tighter to the manic hum of this city.

I‘m sorry for the interruption, but do you know the way back?

I‘m sorry, but I have never been here before. Not entirely. I mean, I’ve been in this “state”, I’ve been in this position before, however it’s never been so different. I have newly become a single lady. That’s right kids, I am that woman on the train that looks at the cute boys only to realise that they are looking at the man next to her and likes boys like she does. So, before I start my new game, my new *me*, there are a few things I think should be said. (More like screamed from the top of the highest point.) *Drum Roll Please*

I‘d like to apologize to the men I will soon be telepathically hitting on, dating, or just plain having a crush on. The reason I’d like to apologize to you is because this is me. I’m not necessarily apologizing for *me*, however I am apolozing for the things that I may or may not do. I’d like to apologize to you in advance for knowing the outcome. I am sorry that there will be a point when you (or me) will realise that my absence creates the things that my presence cannot. I’m sorry if I snore a little too loudly, or am a
complete baby when I am sick, or when I’m quiet for no reason and there isn’t a thing in the world to tell you to soothe your inquiry, that won’t be you. It will be me. I’m sorry if I’ll want to make love on a moments notice for no apparent reason, just to want to be the closest and only thing in the universe to you.

I‘d also like to apologize to the ladies. Girls, watch out! K is coming back. Granted, you have some time. You see the natural progression back into the butterfly that I am, of course takes time. Slowly, you’ll see me develop and just like a butterfly I’ll push and I’ll tug and I will gnaw my way out there until I am this unfathomably beautiful creature with wings dancing across my town and sweeping up yours. I am sorry though, because I know your position, I’ve been there. Finally, I had the chance to be you for a short
while. I was the girl who clung to her man like he was the last breathe of air when a beautiful blonde long legged butterfly would dance across the room. Now, it’s my turn. It is my turn to gather up a room and turn heads with my laugh and sense of humour. I’ll be the girl on the side and every man in that room will wonder what I would be like to wake up to. (Granted, I will not be the long legged blonde…I’ll be the short red head with foxy pants.) There will be nothing you can do, but know that you’re going home with that
one person and these thoughts are fleeting until the next butterfly dances through the room.

I am welcoming my new-found metamorphosis. I am saying deep in my heart, break out.

I am saying if there is one thing that I promise myself I will do purely for me and that is *love* being me. I promise to not seek validation in others and know that deep in my heart I am truly loved. I will own those feelings and put a stake in them with my name on it. K is back.

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