Early Life Crisis

JessJessJessicaI am 21 and I am having an early “Mid-Life Crisis” This is my “Young Life Crisis” and I am trying to sort things out.

Where did it all begin? Was it that damn raw cookie dough that put me in the hospital? Was it the court ruling against Napster? Is it the decision that beckons my answer regarding Los Angeles? I know how I realized what this was… I saw a therapist. I can’t even begin to explain how much better – more relieved I felt after a session with her.

There are a few factors that have stirred up this crisis. The LA decision, financial problems, and a general “lost” feeling that surrounds me each day.

L.A. I need to make my Los Angeles decision. Like, two weeks ago. It’s been made, in my head, all this time. It’s just a matter of acknowledging and living with it. And living with how it will affect the loved ones around me. I feel it’s putting a strain on my current relationship. One that I’ve been extremely happy in, but I think this issue is stuck in the middle. And I haven’t found a way yet to make it more comfortable for both parties. But, how can I do that with an impending departure date and twenty-something lust? It’s just not possible. It’s been easier to just ignore it and *hope* that I don’t break into tears from the burden of it. I don’t know what this relationship is, or what it could be, because of this damn decision. It’s that big of a deal. And I wish it wasn’t. I wish I knew how things would be once the decision was made. I wish I knew how it would be two weeks before I leave. I wish I knew how things would be two months after my departure. But I don’t, and I have to bring these things to the surface – which is something I have a hard time doing. Why does this decision have to be so hard? Will it make me a stronger person? Arughh!

Money. I need it. I don’t have it. I’m in debt up to my neck and have no clue what to do about it. My job pays the bills, but not the credit card debt that lurks in the shadows. This debt causes an incredible amount of tension between my parents and I. They each have different opinions on how I should handle it. They won’t help me out, because this is a lesson I need to learn. I look for better jobs, but I get denied each time because “the degree is preferred but not required.” Whatever. Just come out and tell me I haven’t got a chance because I didn’t finish college.
I will be able to go back to school if I move to L.A. I’ve decided it’s time, I just have to figure out how. L.A. will make it soo easy.

Raw Cookie Dough. I ate it once. It put me in the hospital. It appears that these continuous problems may be linked to a lurking strain of infection from the salmonella poisoning. Great…. Or it could be more serious. We’ve got to do some more testing. Great… I’m told that stress doesn’t help my condition. Hence, the therapist.

Parents and Me I, am a “People Pleaser,” which means that I put others’ happiness ahead of mine. I’m afraid to let people down, and if I can find a way to keep them happy although it takes away from mine, I’ll do it.
My parents still “see” me as a kid. Granted, I’m only 21, but they still see me as a sophmore in high school. This takes away from the freedom, responsibility, and nurturing I need to grow as an adult. Getting out of the house for a few years, and then coming back home will let them see the adult I’ve turned into. It will let me further who I am as a person, and teach them how to “let go”. It’s something we both need, and we realize that we will benefit this by the Los Angeles decision.

So… This therapist – she helps alot. I can clear my head and listen to advice that is from both personal experience and neutral territories. I drove home after my first session with a weight lifted off my chest, a smile on my face, and a clear sense of “direction”. I need to remember that “direction” and make it happen. I think it starts with confirming to Los Angeles. And the rest will follow in due time.

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