Mat’s out on assignment…

…so I thought I’d come fill in for him. I’m Emily. This is a momentary hostile takeover. Witness the conversation of a few moments ago:

Mat: Hello?
Emily: Hi. What’s your password?
Mat: For what?
Emily: For Elysium Mons. The Blog.
Mat: Oh, I dunno. Did you try the usual ones?
Emily: Oh, yes. I tried them all. [Insert textbook list of horribly obvious and easily detectable passwords here.]
Mat: What’s my favorite [insert clue here]?
Emily: Oh!

[Pause.]

Emily: No, that wasn’t it.
Mat: What did you try?
Emily: [Insert wrong-but-too-close-to-divulge password here.]
Mat: Try it with [insert another clue here].
Emily: Oh! Yes, that’s it!
Mat: Wait, what are you trying to get into?
Emily: Oh, nothing. Bye!!

[Click.]

And so here I am. As much as I’d like to say that I arrived on the scene today out of compassion for those without EM (guffaw, no coincidence, eh?) reading material for the last couple days, the reality is that my motivation is more likely linked to the fact that I just finished a 20 oz of COKE! Yowza!

Now that might sound like small potatoes to some of you fiends, but those of you who know me know that caffeine does amazing and unnatural things to my neurological system. For instance, though I can’t feel them, I can see that my fingers are currently flying across this keyboard faster than my brain can dispatch electrons. Therefore, I, Emily, the person of sound mind can not be held reponsible for what my unsound body might do (or type).

Mat knows this. He often feigns wretched agony upon learning that I have ingested caffeine, as if his life will never be the same. And yet he toys with me. Twice recently he’s gone out for pizza in the evening, only to return with a “treat” for me. A 20 oz. of COKE! We peacefully nosh on our pie, after which he disappears into the Internet, resurfacing at midnight, seeming surprised that the bedroom furniture is not where he left it. “Oh, I thought I heard something,” he says.

Yeah.

I’m beginning to think it’s a ploy. I think he realizes that Emily-on-Caffeine is not just a tourist destination, it’s a way to get things done. When I’ve had a COKE (!), I morph into an extrovert. I’m a networking fool. I can schmooze on the phone. I can brainstorm a whole new solar system. I can lift a West Elm Platform Bed with a wink of the eye and a twist of the pinkie. I’m fucking Barbara Eden.

Until I come down. Then I’m more like Larry Hagman, circa the “Dallas” era. [Eek. Shiver.] He was one baaaad mother. Much like myself when I’ve come down from a caffeine binge (aka a 20 oz COKE). Crabby moody caffeine-low Emily could and would kick PMS-Emily’s tender butt any day of the week. And that’s saying something.

Actually, on second thought, that might be a good way to get rid of PMS-Emily. Hm, I might be onto something here. I’ll call WWF and set it up. Of course, I’ll have to wait until my next caffeine high before I can work it on the phone. ‘Cause I think I’m coming down now.

Boo. Sorry, Mat. See you at home. [Smooches.]

9 Responses to “Mat’s out on assignment…”


  • you know, most PMS meds do have caffeine in them. read the labels!

    ps. i have new employment! i start in 3 weeks!

  • yaaaay! BIG congrats, feetnik!!!!

  • Hey Emily,

    I met Larry Hagman once coming off a flight from Berlin. That bastard was on our flight and he didn’t introduce himself to me. Anyhow, in the customs line, he’s wearing the usual 10 gallon hat and glasses. He looked really JR-esque but about 20 years older. (it was 2003) He allowed me to take a picture with him. The Customs lady yelled at me and told me that there would be no flash photography in the customs area. I had to wait to get upstairs..oh, well, it didn’t matter, the picture was somehow lost when I went to go have the photos developed. Booo.

    Thank you for listening.
    Ro

  • That’s awesome — I wish caffeine had that affect on me! Due to the fact that I was basically marinated in Pepsi while in the womb, I think I’ve developed an immunity. Ah well. 🙂

  • mat’s passwords are always great! they always involve bodily functions and religious references. wait, does that give away too much? naw, with mat’s encyclopedic knowledge of that which exits the body – thats still millions of permutations. good luck with the new job!

  • Mat,

    Based on what Gordon just posted, your next password should be “hoopashit”.

    Scott

  • I see you also get a bit delusional when you drink caffeine! 😉

  • Ahem. Cough. Cough.

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