$500.00 if you show me the condom in your ass

i'd fucker her - stretch (7k image)Yesterday was my day off. I decided since me and Emily are planning a trip to Iceland in October that I would get my Passport today. So I spent a few hours in the morning looking up all the locations on where you can get that done, what you need, etc. Mainly post offices and birth certificates, respectively. Then i talked to my Mother about getting my Birth Certificate. In the end, i decided this was a bad thing to jump in to on my day off. Days off arent supposed to be stressed and running all over town for puzzle pieces of paper work. I’ll get it done. Just not this weekend. So instead of killing myself on my day off, i did a lot of gardening and cleaning up around the house, which i love. I am my own housewife. Then i went to Barnes and Noble to read. I picked up a few books as well.

Tesla: Man Out of Time by Margaret Cheney
The Photo Book by Phaidon Press
Listen to This! by Alan Reder and John Baxter

Then i got a call from Emily sitting in the Religion section of Barnes and Noble. I typically dont answer the phone when i am in a public place, but it was Emily, and i did. She asked if i wanted to go out to a sports bar with her State Department co-workers. Nice people they are. I like Lance and Jesse fine, but all these other people i dont know and the fact that they were going to a sports bar, of all places and were going to be drinking didnt seem like the place where i’d end up being. So i said, “No Thanks” politely. Or something like that. Then i went home, checked my email and found out my camera strobe i ordered way back when had been shipped! Yeah B&H Photo! Then Andreas (the kid of the family’s house i am taking care of) walked in. Mind you, he was supposed to move out a few days ago. I do like the guy, mind you. We just want to have the place to ourselves and not have to clean up after him like he was 7. Bottom line. So each time we (Laura and myself) come home from work and ask him when he’s moving out and he says, “Tomorrow,” our blood begins to boil. So since he hadnt left, i had to weigh my options. Andreas could live up his stereotype of being a lazy ass or hang out with the State Department Circus. Since i love Emily and since her friends are rather funny i decided on doing the dreadful sports bar thing. Hell i had a car and i had Urban Outfitters. I could leave at any time.

I took Wisconsin down to Georgetown. Parked near P Street, no problem. I prolly should have taken in the Cabin John Parkway. Oh well. Then i had the problem of finding the place. But that was over quick. I found the place after i called Emily for some fucking landmarks. She said “Smash” and i knew exactly where it was. I got there. The place was called “The Rhino” (3295 M Street). It obviously was a frat/sports/military bar, cos it was bland and i had never heard of it and their menu sucked. Granted i am not a bar person, but i prolly wouldnt be caught dead there. I got there and there was this one girl with whom i had never met with her boyfriend. She was moderately annoying. Jesse would fuck her though. Actually, she wasnt even that unattractive. And her sense of style was that of a 7 year old sporting the Members Only jacket, but quasi Goth style that wore white instead of black. Just a little confused she was. And Jesse threw beer on her. He got mad bonus points for that. I do think the topper was when her and he fucktoy starting tounging. Anyways. It just amazes me about what people do to drink. I dont wanna diss, it’s just uncanny. Excuses galore. Pretty much the whole night centered around fucking with each other. They tried to pick on Emily but she stabbed them right back and then twisted their balls around their head. So proud of her. A girl who can fend off 3 ex-military meat heads is a girl who rocks the casbah. Anyways…dick jokes, wife (awful in bed) jokes, black jokes, hispanic jokes, kkk jokes, gay jokes. It was all said. I did feel a little uncomfortable at times with the things they said. I guess ignorance is bliss to some of them. It’s also prolly an act of some sort of being brainwashed in the Army/whatever. Then just Jesse got up to leave, cos he wasnt feeling well (go figure…you drink 2 pictures of beer, you are going to feel like ass…revolutionary!), the DJ started pumping the music. Great. Now we’ll have to scream over the music to talk. And after a few horrifically beatmatched “mixed” songs the “DJ” who played CDs had to be shot. Since he was bigger than me, I nuged Emily that it was time. I think she was happy i stayed this long. I did have a good time. Jesse and Lance make me laugh. Lance is the kind of guy who tells it like it is and you have to respect that. For the most part. Good guys. And i do think that Lance’s full name rules. Lancelot. I kid you not. A lot. Ha!

but none of this is really true. i mean come on guys, this is a website! do you believe everything you read?!

or is it?

2 Responses to “$500.00 if you show me the condom in your ass”

  • KKK jokes? I remember no KKK jokes. Black jokes, white jokes, carrot jokes, fat balding white guy jokes; yes. But absolutely no KKK jokes while at the frat/sports/military-meat-head bar. Full disclosure: There was one on the ride home but that was at the expense of an actual member of the KKK.

    Incidentaly, emily has an amaxingly over-developed ability to make jokes not funny. Or maybe I wasn’t laughing because my balls were twisted around my head. Dunno.

    But I digress. Mat (with one T) forgets to mention that we all learned too much about the sex lives of not only Jason and the white-goth-fucktoy but also Lance, Jesse, Emily, and Mat(with one T). I refuse to comment further on what we learned.


    It never happened, really.

  • I threw the beer at Jason’s GF!!! It wasn’t Jesse!!! It was me! It was me! I just wanted to clarify that.

    By the way does KKK stand for Krazed Kentucky Klowns?

    If it does… then we did make jokes about them.

    Lance-alot not Lance-a-little

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