deliverance from evil.

bastionbooger. (13k image)there are things that happen in this world that make me think, “this shit only happens to me.” i know that it doesn’t….but it certainly feels that way sometimes. like walking by a cute girl on the sidewalk….and your foot suddenly hits the ground differently….like it jumped up in one spot…and your leg locks or buckles…and you do that weird frankenstein step….and you look retarded. and there is no way that you could possibly stop and say, “yeah, hey baby.” it’s just an impossibility.

on saturday, one of these things happened to me. i was driving around in search of thrift stores to quench my thrist for fitted shirts. i had found some addresses on the web, so i just started driving around. i’m starting to understand how everything is connected around here, and i don’t think i can get lost now. i’m pretty good with my sense of direction. anyways, i found a few places, but nothing special. i think the best goodwill i’ve been to so far is up in bel air. the ones around here are sort of sad. like, shit that no one wants. tables with two legs…..books with no covers…..golf clubs with no handles….lamps with no shades…..tv’s with no knobs. it’s like the island of misfit thrift.

so i walk into one particularly sad looking goodwill. it’s almost barren. the people walking around look as if they’ve been there for months….just waiting for something good to show up. i walk over to the men’s section and start browsing. there is only one other gentleman in the section with me. an older, likely retired, fellow probably trying to get away from his wife for the afternoon. i noticed that he was muttering things to himself…..which is not uncommon for the goodwill….and, really, one of the reasons i like it so much. he seemed harmless, so i just kept perusing. he comes around into the aisle i’m in and starts checking out the pants. he finds a pair that he likes….and all of a sudden, decides to try them on…….RIGHT IN THE FUCKING AISLE. so what does one do in this situation?? a few scenarios crossed my mind.

1) help him. “excuse me, sir. let me help you with that. hold on….it’s….it’s caught on your shoe…..ok ok….i got it over the sole…..very nice. oops…watch out for that. that could be painful…i’ve seen that happen in a movie.”

2) hit on him. “duuuuuuuuuuude. i’ve seen a lot of polyester in my days….but JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMN! your body’s SLAMMIN’! hey man….seriously….c’mere…..*i whisper into his ear*are you wearing space underwear? *i yell into his ear*CAUSE YOUR ASS IS OUT OF THIS WORLD!!”

3) leave. quickly.

i chose option number three. i was out of there…saying to myself, “this shit only happens to me….”

4 Responses to “deliverance from evil.”


  • daniel-

    we will go shopping…emily will take us to the best places in bmore…

    there are a few…trust me…i am the last person to say good things about the bmore…they they do actually exist…

    this weekend?

    rockit,
    mat

    ps. and if you’re lucky i’ll change my pants in the isle if i find some nice baby blue sansabelt slacks

  • Bastion Booger?! WTF?

  • sansabelt!

    oh…and yes, joey. bastion booger. 🙂

  • you should’ve taken your pants off, too. then when he gave you a dirty look, asked him for a quarter.

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