the blues explosion.

take me somewhere nice. (7k image)this has been such a strange time. i don’t fell like my old self anymore. and i suppose that’s good. i didn’t always like myself. i got down quite a bit….but i’ve taken charge. things are on the up. but every now and then, i get a glimpse of the old me. and i wonder if i’ve really come along….or if i’ve just been able to hide it better. i don’t know.

i‘ve met this girl. and she’s wonderful….but the entire time i’ve been waiting for the bomb to drop. like there’s no way this is completely good. something bad is inevitable. and then it happened. but i won’t go into those details. i just don’t understand. why is it that everything i have is some twisted and warped version of what i really want? i get part of it….i just don’t get the entire thing. i get a job that pays well, but i don’t like it. i feel good about myself, but there’s all this shit i have to work on. i meet this girl who i connect with like no one else in a long time, and she’s confused. it’s god damned frustrating.

when these things happen, i see my old self. i see the boy who wants to cut it all off and sit in his room and listen to music for hours…rather than deal with it. but i don’t like any of these decisions i have to make. i don’t like any of the outcomes. it’s fuct. and that’s how i feel. does this shit happen to you? i feel like the only one. but i’m doing ok. i’ve resisted putting on those albums that let me regress. i’ve replaced certain actions. i’ve doubled my workout. i don’t know if any of that is better than what i did before….but it feels that way.

i‘m not asking for much. i’m a simple person. i don’t want status or money or praise or any of that shit….i just want someone who is going to stand by my side while i try to figure all of this out.

5 Responses to “the blues explosion.”

  • chin up, daniel. she’ll come around. and if she doesn’t then who wants to be with someone who’s too blind to see a good thing when they got one anyway.

    if only it could be easy….

  • thank you, em. and i know….but i just wish it could work out for once.

  • it ain’t over till it’s over…

    (in the meantime, you have my permission to smooch mat a little bit.)

  • i didn’t have your permission before? mat….we’re in trouble….

  • maybe you should figure it out and then have someone by your side. it’s always a lot to ask for someone to change or adapt to you as a work in progress, and people agree to it without really thinking about it. i’ve done it with other people, "oh, i can manage." you know what? i couldn’t. i think that’s why some people take so long to get married, and a lot of people who get married fast don’t stay together long. think of it in terms of windows versions (bill gates, call me). once you get to daniel XP, then you can get the software you need that works with it (no use settling for 95 OS software when you’re living for the now). reboot! reboot!

    god, am i so lame? i am so lame.

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