there she goes.

i can't sleep. (19k image)i always seem to have a crush on some grrl. sometimes i think it doesn’t even matter who it is….it just has to be someone. some grrl that i can talk to on some level….and feel that there is potential for something to happen. now whether or not it’s realistic….or flesh for fantasy….always seems to elude me. maybe i fall in love too much. while i have learned to see more grays in the black and white world i used to live in, i still seem to be a faucet in this area. is it a good thing? i dunno.

sometimes i get burnt. i build these things up in my mind. i have conversations in my head with these grrls. things that i would want to say given the right situation. how i would treat them given the right situation. how i would be different than the other guys they have been with. i guess that’s all of my bullshit, though. i don’t think i’m much different. i have as many bad qualities as good. i have as many bad days as good. i have as many bad experiences as good. and i have definitely not loved more than i have loved. maybe in the end….it really is all about a beatles lyric.

sometimes i think that it’s not going to happen just because i’m looking so hard. and i’m looking because for the past five years….i really didn’t wany anything to do with love. i wasn’t ready to love anyone….and i certainly wasn’t ready for anyone to love me. ok….i’m getting off topic here. so there’s always someone. a grrl that i can turn my attenttion towards. i’m noticing this now more than ever. and it’s funny…..i think i’m a flirt. but in the geekiest way. i’m not smoothe by any means. but i don’t think i’m completely awkward either. all of those years spent in high school being “the friend” to all of those grrls has really paid off.

sometimes i’m more comfortable talking to grrls. my feminine side?? i dunno. maybe it’s my extreme sensitivity?? christ, i dunno. when i’m talking to them….i just get to thinking about how they work. what they see. how they feel. why they feel that way. what turns them on. what makes them see something in a man that makes them swoon. i don’t think i’ll ever understand it…..but it fascinates me to no end. i just like hearing them talk….about things that matter to them. art….music….history….archeology….it doesn’t matter. ok….i’ve completely lost focus on what this post was suppose to be about. blah. see what just thinking of them does to me?? i’m a mess.

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