the new settlement.

rectification. (39k image)last night….i had a conversation that opened my eyes to a few things that i wasn’t completely aware of. i mean….i knew what i was doing…..but i didn’t really think it was a problem. i thought i had complete control over it….and i think that maybe i don’t anymore. which really concerns me. i’m not ashamed of it…..which is why i’m able to post about it here. it’s something that i’m able to talk openly about. so i’m not in denial. but i think the real problem is that i don’t know if i can change it. and now i can’t stop thinking about it.

i guess it started when i decided to get healthy. my weight was always an issue with me….and i was so unhappy. depression was just a part of my life that i acccepted and lived with. and then i just had enough. and i got on this super disciplined diet. and within about a year and a half….i lost about sixty pounds. i was in disbelief. i was a completely different person…..inside and out. i was happy. sort of. i had to be so conscious of everything now. everything that i ate….everything that i did….everytime i was feeling down. i had to be on top of everything. it’s part of that discipline.

when i moved to baltimore….just by getting out of a place where crap food was king….i lost another ten pounds by eating what i wanted….rather than eating what was in front of me. that was probably in the first two months i was here. and now….i’ve dropped another ten with this exercise regiment i’ve put myself on. and i don’t know exactly what my weight should be….i’m 6’2….and now 175 pounds. so i’ve had to entertain conversations with friends….with family….and last night, with my girlfriend….about them being concerned that i have a problem. i didn’t think it was really a *problem* until last night when i really looked at what i’m doing.

i still don’t think i have an eating disorder. when i think of eating disorders….i think of after school specials…..”jenny, eat something!” that’s just not me. well….maybe it is. i guess now that i’m aware of it….i’ll be more conscious of it. but i still don’t know how to change it. i have to sit down and figure out a way that i can start eating at least 1200 calories a day. that’s healthy, right? i dunno. i have to educate myself soon before this goes too far. and i feel like i’m on the exact opposite side of things i was two years ago now. i just want to get it right. for a change.

5 Responses to “the new settlement.”

  • hey daniel. I’m 6 feet tall, and what I’ve found is that the height/wieght charts are total crap, especially once you get above 5’8" or so. Don’t pay any attention to them – get nutrition books that focus more on your muscle mass and mood control instead of charts that can never be right for *everybody*. My wieght fluctuates all over the place. And what I figured out for myself is that if I can walk up four flights of stairs and not be out of breath, I’m doing better than most people. I judge the healthyness of my body by what it lets me do, not by how it looks.

  • totally agreed e

    i am 5 foot 10 inches and just over 125 pounds…

    according to the charts i am in the 3rd percentile which would make me technically anorexic…

    but that is the farthest thing from the truth….

    do what works best for you and stay healthy and dont look at the books

  • i agree. you know best how you feel, daniel. if you truly are feeling good, you’re eating right and exercising, then why look for issues that aren’t there? losing 60 lbs in 1.5 years is not unhealthy. people may be concerned, but you know how you’re really doing.

    and, mat, you’re NOT 5’10"! you’re 5’3"… just like me…

  • well….thank you all for the positive response. i really appreciate that. and i don’t think it’s a huge problem….but it IS a problem. i’m just trying to stop it before it gets serious.

  • I’m 6’2” and 160. I am pretty skinny, but I was like 145 a year ago. You’re perfectly healthy compared to me.

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