love.god.murder.

i tremble for you. (6k image)i‘ve never been good in social situations…..even if it’s with people i know. here’s the thing though…..i like parties. i love them, in fact. but i’m just not good at them…..i’m not a very good conversationalist most of the time. i can talk to people i know…..but when i meet new people…..i really don’t have anything to say.

so last thursday night…..i went to a graduation party with joanna. the party was being thrown by one of her classmates. it wasn’t a huge party…..but a lot of people from her program would be there. i agreed to go…..normally i would’ve found an excuse not to go. but i don’t do that with her. it’s completely different…..and therefore…..so am i. we drove over to fells point. parked. and then read the directions on how to get to the place. the directions sucked. we wound up walking around for a while until joanna called him to clarify his mess. we got it straight and found it.

we walked in…..and i immediately knew i was out of place. everyone seemed to be dressed like…..well……adults. like a land’s end catalog or something. it’s not a bad thing….it’s just that i was wearing all black and my bright red track jacket and i felt like i already stood out…..let alone being fashionably visible. anyways…..so i was introduced to everyone and then i proceeded forget all of their names immediately. they were all really nice…..but i just had nothing to say. i was handed a beer and was thankful for being given something to do. drink! i figured maybe i’d loosen up and possibly even…..*gasp*…..mingle. i didn’t want to be the clingy guy who is attached to his girlfriend’s hip all night…..but i honestly didn’t know what to do.

people would randomly ask me questions, “so what do you do?” ugh. i hate that question. i don’t like my job….it doesn’t define who i am. it’s not an indication of what i’m like or what i love…..which i think is why people ask that. so i explain it….and then explain that it’s just a job and it’s not what i’m really doing. but i didn’t feel like launching into the band/record label thing either…..because that just creates a new set of unanswerable questions. “what kind of music do you play?” and these were people who were NOT going to get it. but again….i can’t stress this enough…..everyone was really nice to me. so i answered all of the questions anyway. but that made me feel more isolated…..only because no one really understood what the fuck i was talking about. i’m such a jackass.

so the night ends…..and i survived. i felt like i was on display for much of the evening. but then again…..i’m paranoid…..and usually right about these things. 🙂 joanna kept telling people that i’m an amazing drummer…..oh and i blush like a madman….and a lot of them said they wanted to come check out the band when we play. they were all very interested…..which was incredibly sweet. they really did make me feel welcome. i felt bad that i didn’t give them a chance. so we left and i felt dizzy from social interaction. i felt a bit alien. we were walking back to the car and we stopped by this short wall that over looked a part of the bay. we leaned over the railing and looked at each other…..i knew what she was thinking…..and her i. and we just smiled. and in that instance…..i knew exactly why i was there.

1 Response to “love.god.murder.”


  • in situations like that i always just say, "i design heterodyne filters in tube amps for nasa" when they ask what i do.

    it always raises an eyebrow,
    mat

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