turn japanese

my white snakeskin loafers look like something 70-year old lounge singers would wear, I hear them so much I have a friend moving to the area. He will be living in Maryland, but plenty of time to take in this place they call D.C. I am, actually, pretty excited. I don�t know much about Maryland. I know crabs and the Eastern Shore accent, which I love. I know the Orioles, because that is practically genetically ingrained. I know drunken nights there, I know Soundgarden in Baltimore and my grandmother�s old apartment in Greenbelt. I vaguely remember the first years of my life in Laurel. My mother is a Marylander, it�s her blood. I know good friends in Columbia. But I was raised in Northern Va. So, what I REALLY know is D.C. Even if I can�t drive there and get lost all the time. I still know it more.

I want to send him things in the mail: pictures of my favorite statue, the one of Albert Einstein hidden in the trees along Constitution Ave. It�s my favorite because Albert looks like he should have toddlers sitting on his knees, like he is feeding the pigeons. It might be my favorite only because every time my father passes it, he says �Look at that statue of Albert Einstein! It�s my favorite.� He said that 3 times one ride into the city, when I was trying to act cool on an early-highschool-pre-drivers-license date to see Tears For Fears at DAR Constitution Hall. I was embarrassed at his non-existent short-term memory. Now I�m charmed when he does it.

I could send my friend the schedule from the 930 Club. We could sit on M street next to a Senator. I will make him wax necklaces at the Children�s Museum. I want to send him tape recordings of the screeching, piercing planes leaving National, flying over my head as I sit at Gravelly Point. I want to send him tour schedules of Executive buildings, a bag of shredded money from the Printing and Engraving building, a clump of fur from the big wooly mammoth (or is it an elephant? I can�t believe I can�t remember. If it�s an elephant, I�d want a piece of tusk) that sits in the lobby of the Natural History Museum. I shall send him little mirrors stolen from the eyes of horses from the carousel in front of the red Smithsonian building. I want to take him to a Dismemberment Plan show and say �this is local music, guy!� I�ll send him rubbings from the Wall, and a pressed cherry blossom, and a brilliant orange maple leaf. I could send him a pair of khakis for a night out in Georgetown. We could hijack a TourMobile. I wish I worked for a TourMobile.

I could set up times to meet for Ethiopian food in Adams-Morgan. I will take pictures of every Metro station, and list what�s good around each one. Better yet, we could ride the Metro lines for hours: red north, orange to my house, green into the nether-worlds, yellow into Chinatown; making up stories about people, where they live, what they do, where they wish they were at that very moment.

I could set him up on dates with smart co-eds from Georgetown, or American, or better yet, GW. I like those GW girls. We could go dancing with GayMatthew, who I ran into last night on P Street and rhapsodized on the improvement of his dating life now that he�s in DC (he�d be fun to dance with.) We could go drive on the GW Parkway, watch the crew teams leave the boathouse, go for walks over the bridge to Roosevelt Island, and see the little grotto thing, and then walk back to our cars. We could get � price burgers in Arlington at the Cowboy Caf� on Tuesday nights. I could make Jay let us into his apartment near Dupont Circle so we can play Grand Theft Auto III until the wee hours of the morning. Drive to Van Ness, or Tenleytown, See my aunt and her pink-painted apartment near the Ben and Jerrys. We could walk to the zoo and steal a prairie dog or two. Make faces as the monkeys throw poop. Drive by the Pentagon. Clean up all those tattered American Flags everyone thought was such a good idea a few months ago, now forgotten.

We could skateboard in front of the National Theatre until cops came, if I still owned a skateboard. We could eat big servings of Chinese food on paper plates at the Old Post Office, where I bought gold earrings shaped like leaves once. We could watch something historical at Ford�s Theatre, we could wear emo clothes and get lost trying to find the Black Cat. We could stuff dollar bills in inappropriate places at the Royal Palace (�It�s not like that, she really LOVES me�) We would fly kites at the Monument, and watch summer movies, and dig for pieces of Sig�s old computer, where it was unceremoniously dumped last night in an alley off of Kalorama. We could all lay on the grass in the summer morning, tourists with fanny packs taking pictures of their children waving American flags. I could watch Marines run laps at the mall in the early morning, while he sat with his new GW girlfriend and held hands and were totally in love and I will be totally, really, really happy.

Two Other Things

1. Listerine�s Oral Care Strips are based on the same technology as contraceptives. Email me. I�ll tell you stories.

2. I would like to state for the record that Joan Rivers sure would make a nice person to run over. There must be some kind of military use for The Joan. I just saw �Black Hawk Down.� They could have used her gigantic horrific head for target practice. Wow does she suck. By the way, BHD is a stirring movie. Only a few parts were glossed over and mostly very well done, even if it did feature the Next Generations Kneau Reeves, Josh Hott-nett. Thank God they stayed away from Chris Klein. Oh wait, that�s the next war movie to come out. AND HE PLAYS A FATHER. I want to stab people. An extra tidbit for you, Ewan McGregor�s character in that film, in real life, is in prison for 20 years for molesting his own daughter. I guess heroes only last for a day.

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