there’s a feeling coming back connected by a thread

when will you come home?So today at work I got an email from Zut. I basically was stopped in my tracks. There was nothing really profound in the email. Turns out she got a kidney stone. Not the most pleasant thing in the world, but she says she is ok. None the less, I am not sure what it was. And she is planning to move somewhere by the New Year. She wants me to visit before then. I got the email and I almost had no desire to write her back. I cant fathom that idea. I think I was more blown away that I had no interest to write her back. Basically we’ve not spoken in any normal sense since last summer 2000. Yeah, we’ve exchanged emails moderately since then, but to me, that is pretty petty and insubstatial. Not one phone call from her either. Basically I gave up early fall last year with calling her and having one way conversations. Now she’s emailing me and writing me letters when SHE needs ME. Where was she last year? I just dont know. Perhaps I am over her. I think it’s pretty obvious I am. Can I be her friend? She was my ideal woman. She was my ideal. She was my ideal, but crushed me like a fly so unintentionally and slowly. How does this shit happen to me. I dont think I can do it anymore. Do what? I dont know, but something has to change. Something has to change real quick. There is just so much of her in my life. And the sick thing is, is that she hasnt been part of my life in over a year. And before that it had been even that many more years. What a fucked up deal. Or was it ideal. I need a clean slate. Will someone ever give me a clean slate? And to Zut: What do you want me to say? I am fine? I have plans? I have wisdom? I am doing fine? I hope you’re happy? I miss you? Wish you were here? Do you know how bad you hurt me? Do you know what you did? Will you ever? I am sorry. But it’s time to just move on. I wish you the best in your endeavors. I just dont think I can be a part of them. And I am not sorry anymore.

Today on the drive home from work I saw a license plate that read “KRAKOW” – and yes, if you ever saw MY SO CALLED LIFE that would ring a bell for you, or if you were a part of the Murfreesboro Underground Music Scene (MUMS?!) you would have known a band I was in called “THE REVENGE OF BRIAN KRAKOW” We could have ruled the world! Or did we? It was all about my light sensative theremin I made that had a 1/2 octave range.

Top 10 Songs of Right Now:

  1. THE CITY by the Dismemberment Plan
  2. I NEED YOU by the Kinks
  3. FUCKING HOSTILE (Pantera) by Kelley Deal
  4. RAMBLIN’ ROSE by the MC5
  5. SHINER by Rodan
  6. ACTIONIST by Mouse on Mars
  7. FOR NANCY by Pete Yorn
  8. THE PLAN by Built to SPILL
  9. P. FUNK (Wants To Get Funked Up) by Parliament
  10. BLUE THUNDER by Galaxie 500

1 Response to “there’s a feeling coming back connected by a thread”

  • # 11 Spring released by Grant Lee Phillips. So it’s a little poppy, but I’ve had that shit on repeat for the past two days. it’s getting ridiculous.


    ps for nancy, nice.

    pps pantera, nice nice.

    pps you think is registered? Hrm.

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