I have amusing friends.
When I get to work, I regularly find things like this in my email inbox:
“Hello. I am from planet work and I have come to your planet for vacation. on my planet we sit in front of glowing screens and communicate through various squares with letters on them. one of the squares has an arrow on it and you can use it to erase thoughts. it’s quite grand. you should visit us sometime. I hate snow. it used to be fun and suggest frolicking but now it just sits there on the roads and sucks and sucks. My cell phone was MIA all weekend, meaning that it was lost in my car. I sent in a reconn team and it has now been recovered. did you have a good weekend? I gave that guy Phil your number. I know you secretly wanted me to. Maybe him and his braided leather belt and flannel Eddie Bauer shirt will take you out sometime. wow. the end.”
And things like this:
”Hey. Don’t you get testy with me—of course you were not trolling for birthday gifts…do you even have a billy goat? i didn’t think so. when has my brain not been cloudy, i ask you? but i see what you’re saying about the house of lesbians – a lot less drama. oh well, i’m a glutton for punishment. that’s why you love me. By the way: trash bags are tricky – i’m not going to lie. Back to Idaho maybe, you say? loved them prairie dogs that much, eh? those goddamn swedes! only thing they’re good for is ikea and h&m. Well, tell your parents that i say hello as well. I spent the new years with The Lesbians in NYC. 1. crack. 2. cocaine. Yeah, i cried too, it’s okay. Went up for a party at the apartment of German. She bought me tickets to see “beauty and the beast” for christmas so i ended up staying for a week…hanging out with her and the girlfriend Buffy. yes that is her name. Yes, the German is dating someone with that name. again i cried. but nice girl. she won’t last long – doesn’t have a chance – but nice girl… So… GoldenBoy. m-word. china. cross country. ummm. ummm. (said as if i am dr. evil) Atlantic city sounds like fun…give Keating a wet one for me. just pretend you’re madonna pushing money down strippers g-strings. even go as far as to wear a cowboy hat. it will all come together. can’t wait to hear the stories. Spoke to Jack on the email for a bit after he got the new job at GW. apparently he wants to take law classes…thinks he’s Calista Flockhart. They weigh about the same. Oh, way ahead of you on the rumor tip. you seriously underestimate me. Got to go now. Beso beso. Non-lesbian hugs. Love from your only Black Friend (don’t lie)”
And, of course, things like this:
—So, after extensive studying of the e-mode passion predictor, I have arrived at several conclusions:
Elle’s a bitch
S’s a brat
K’s a dork
and I’m a SLUT
Sex in the City part 2, possibly. New sitcom on the WB, definitely.
—We can call it Sex in the Suburbs.
Sometimes it scares me how accurate emode tests can be. Why pay 100$’s and hour to see a shrink when you can just spend 5 min. on emode and learn what kind of shopper you are? Oh the humanity.
—I want a love scene with Tom Cavanaugh from “Ed” in our new show. Many of them. But since its going to be on the WB, I guess I’m going to have to settle for Marlon Wayans. Boo.
—My stool has WORMS that have shows on the WB.
And this:
Our power just went out for an hour so I wondered the streets of clarendon. It was awesome! but my luck ran out and everything is up and running now.
In the words of a wise man:
I don’t want to be a chicken
I don’t want to be a duck
so I’ll shaka my butt
With friends like this, who needs pharmaceuticals? No wonder we’re about to enter a recession if this is what people think about at work all day.
is that you?
i like the rainbow shirt…can i have it?