things you never answered

In the tape deck: Self and Southern Culture on the Skids.

(I ate a whole bag of Swedish Fish for breakfast on Tuesday morning.)

Things your friends never asked:

My Top Five Dream Jobs (a la “Hi Fi;” if talent weren’t an option):

1. Skateboarder: I like the image, I like the humor, I like the big baggy pants. I especially like the “Peter-Panness” of it all: these people never age past 13. Look at Tony Hawk. He’s practically museum quality (okay, maybe not) but he’s still pre-pubescent in my eyes. And remember that girl Sarah from “Real World” Miami? She is pretty much the only character in the history of that show that I truly liked. Well, her and Neil from London, but I think maybe I just wanted to get with him.

2. Writer for the WWF: This has to be the most fun job in the world.

3. Golf Course Architect: I have a thing for golf courses. Golf courses are beautiful. I love the nature and the science and the art behind them. I’d put water traps everywhere. And big azaleas.

4. Rock Star: Everyone craves a little overindulgence. If you say you never wanted to be a rockstar, then you are a liar.

5. Whatever Renee Russo’s job was in “The Thomas Crown Affair”: whatever she was (was it insurance? Bounty hunting?) I want to be it. She had that weary/glamorous thing going on—a world traveler, in the art business, sexxy sexxy clothes. Damn, she is hot for a woman in her forties. And she made it with a billionaire and laid around Carribbean islands topless. I love it.

Coming in a close 6th place is “Great American Writer.” Be a young up-and-comer, never to be heard from again but always idolized for that one great work of fiction. I don’ even think it would matter what the book was about, maybe a collection of short stories, or a lengthy novel about a young tree-limbed youth named Agatha or Augusta or Abagail or some such thing.

So come with me, dear friends! Reinvent yourself. You have nothing to fear- the Material Girl’s been doing the same shit for years.

PS I am too quiet around some people. I am much too loud and abusive around others. I am still looking for the nice middle ground.

PPS I am at work. I am considering changing my office door name plaque to read: “Zen Master in the Art of Time Suckage.”

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