Monthly Archive for October, 2000

The things no one ever told me…

There are so many things that while we’re “growing up” no one ever tells us. I’ve understood this for a while now. I mean of course we learn something new every day, we learn a little more about ourselves and understand the people around us gradually. We either accept these things or we fight them, I’m trying not to fight this.

No one ever told me when I was growing up that there would be times that I wouldn’t be able to sleep because stress will keep me tossing and turning. There wasn’t someone there pounding it into me that fear will at one point or another encompass myself, and or those around me. Regret, as useless of a feeling as it may be, was not something I was aware was so powerful. Guilt, also a feeling that was there – but not as prominent as one could think. These feelings are parts of me that envelope me, whether they be good or bad, I never knew.

Last nite, I slept for about two full hours. I had nitemares, I had dreams, I had phone calls in the middle of the nite, but most importantly: I had too many thoughts to shut off.

I know that this is a normal thing, that life isn’t as peachy and wonderful as we’d like to think. I know that this is hard, that living life is not easy, but why didn’t someone shout it out to me? I’m sure I wouldn’t have listened, in fact I never do. At least then, I think I’d have something entirely false to blame and for some reason that is comforting. More so than actually having to blame myself for not realizing these things sooner.

Did anyone ever tell you how to file your taxes? How to take out a mortgage loan, or buy a car or get your electricity in your first apartment turned on? These things are all trial and error, I understand that – but are they not the most important things that you do in your daily life? I don’t know about finance charges, I don’t know about FCC charges on my cable bill, I didn’t know these came with the territory. I don’t know why my heater in my apartment made these hissing noises as if a beast were breathing inside of my bed, there isn’t anyone to tell me why. Who told you how to register to vote? These things are so simple, yet the information is so coveted until when? We’re ready? Until, we don’t realize we need these simple things in our lives?

Who is it that has all of the answers to relationships? Did anyone tell you that you might not have the same friends in adulthood as you did when you were a kid. I happen to be an exception to that rule, so far. Did anyone tell you that loving someone would be so complicated, that falling in love with someone might mean losing a part of yourself. No one told me that there may be a time when it just isn’t right to let yourself go and fall. When you do find an inclination of love in a relationship, do you hold onto that at any cost – no matter how much it may hurt you? Who knows these things?

I’m searching for the answers. Slowly, I am finding them. Finding the answers to all of these things are definitely at a certain cost. “That’s an expensive lesson, but that’s what life is.” These lessons are never easy, never clear, and never set. Say it with me my friends, “No one ever told me.”

feetnik’s pooty

*LIVING ARRANGEMENT?
i live…yes.
*WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING NOW?
vonnegut jr, anything on analog synthesis, a biography on the 1st 10 years of prince’s career
*WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
my mouse
*FAVORITE GAME?
trivial persuit
*FAVORITE MAGAZINE?
tape op / glamour (for the do’s and dont’s) / controversy
*FAVORITE SMELLS?
chocolate, hair, vacuum tubes after an hour of activity
*FAVORITE SOUNDS?
60hz, boston’s morning air, plastic containers hitting oak in a birch
walled room, arp 2600, juno 106, jupiter 6
*WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?
a fashion mishap
*WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING (or whenever)?
am i dead? / snooze bar of love / mars?!
*HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
i never answer the phone
*FUTURE DAUGHTER’S NAME?
frankzappa or star or pheobe
*FAVORITE FOODS?
carvel icecream, vegetable lomein, chocolate
*DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
i just like to drive with good tunes
*DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
of course
*STORMS?
always
*WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
80-something Chevy Celebrity with a fozzie bear on the dash
*WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
capricorny
*IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE?
glorified sound listener, jesus (mainly cos when he was around i think it was pretty cool to have long hair,) photographer, singer in a 70s rock band
*DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
always
*IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR?
eh, that’s really bad for your hair
*EVER BEEN IN LOVE?
i’d say yes, final answer.
*IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
phillip’s?
*FAVORITE MOVIES?
kubrick
*ARE YOU A LEFTY OR A RIGHTY?
lefty, i am sure you could have guessed that
*WHAT’S UNDER YOUR BED?
feetniks boxes of love, drugs, porno mags, 16 lbs. of beef jerky i saved from tn, 3 women, a dirt bike, 12 foot bong, & jesus
*FAVORITE NUMBER?
3.14159
*FAVORITE COLOR?
silver, baby blue
*FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?
the jesus channel
*SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
feets has got the flava. the world knows it, and she will someday.
*THE PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?.
k
*PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
jesus

why can’t a man stand alone?

J Mascis and his cool hatDaylight savings is wacked. I don’t really even know why we still use it. I believe we enstated it in the first place was to have to more daylight during the World Wars. But come on: It’s over and we now have the technology to fight 24 hours a day / 365 days of the year, just like Tower Records is open. And us sad people need our sunlight during the winter days. No? Hmmmm, I sure think so.

Last night I got to the Black Cat to see J. Mascis and the Fog with Karin and Mike around 8:30pm. There was a sign on the door stating that the “doors open” at 9:30pm which means we have to really have a long while to wait for J. Mascis to come out and rock me. So we go in and decided to hang in the “Red Room” which is a bar on the other side of the “rock” area.

We walk in to and see my Soul Coughing buds, Al and Zac. Al and Zac & I have never really met before, so at first I am kind of like “uh- hey guys but who the hell are you?!” Anyways…I shake their hands and they say, “this is Mike.” I sort of glance over the tape recorder and cell phone. I shake Mike’s hand and they ask if I have any questions to ask “Mike.” Then it quickly hits me that the ledgendary bassist Mike Watt just shook my hand. Silly me. So then trying to redeem my lack of indie-rock-ness, I proceed to ask him why he’s shaving while on tour. [Editors note: Whenever Mike Watt tours he never shaves, perhaps superstition, so by the end of the tour he’s just like a member from ZZ Top.] So he gives me some sort of answer, but I am totally not paying attention because I am thinking of all the implications of me just touching Mike Watt’s hand.

Honestly I am not a big Mike Watt fan, per se. I have heard the Minutemen and really like their quirky music, but never bought a CD. I know, I know, I will. So it was just stange because he is this huge icon in rock that never really was part of my life. But it was fun meeting him. And he is and has been a really fine bassist. In fact I just recall that I did see Mike Watt before playing bass with Perry Farrell with Porno for Pyros back in 1996 at the 9:30 Club.

Anyways, to make a long story short, the J. Mascis and the Fog show was trememdously loud. Obtrusively loud. J. had a full stack that reached the ceiling and then another guitar cabinet to the right of it. It was excessive. So much mucky-muck and so much lack of tone due to the unbearable loudness factor. And they also mic-ed the amps off through the PA, which was just SOOOO increbibly off the edge. There was something just not quite right about their “groove” – perhaps they really are just getting old. Perhaps it was just an off night. He did play some old school Dinosaur Jr. fodder, but not enough. Over all I was pretty disapointed. The last time I saw J. was in Northhampton, Mass in 1995 and it was in a little tiny club the size of a bathroom. Now that was a show. Those we also the days, but that is beside the point.

After the show Karin and Mike and I went back to Rockville to the new “Diner” which was dope, because the food there is really cool and the waiter gave us our drinks for free. Yeah!

I had this dream last night that Zut made me a mix tape that had all the new music I was getting in to these days. It was incredibly strange. And in the dream I was very confused. It was like I was confused as to who made the mix tape and how she was putting these songs there, etc. It did include a detailed letter explaining each song, which totally impressed me. Very odd as the fact that I rarely remember my dreams in the first place upon waking up. Go figure.