Olympus Mons

You know the saying, “You are what you eat,” right? Well, the same applies to “you are what you drive.”

Ever see that boat driving slowly down the right lane, occasionally drifting to the left? Naturally, you assume it’s a crotchety older senior citizen, sunken into the seat with their head peering *just* above the steering wheel. You pass, and “Correct-a-mundo!” You were right.

Your car says a lot about who you are. Is it clean? Or messy? Is it all scratched up? Or does it still maintain a perfect paint job? Are there dents? Do you still have a bumper? Scented things that hang from your rear-view? EVERY aspect of your car says something about you as a person.

Some examples…

I drive a maroon Ford Escort. I drive a little faster than I should - I’m a city driver with no patience. I always keep an eye out for those wackos who really shouldn’t be driving, and at times, I can be polite and let you into my lane. My car has one white scratch on the rear bumper from the time I got rear-ended. No other scratches, no dents. Nothing hangs from my rear-view mirror. I used to have a They Might Be Giants sticker on the back driver’s side window, but that has since faded and washed away. Inside, the car is pretty clean - an occasional piece of trash depending on what day of the week you catch me. More often than not, there will be at least one newspaper in the back seat. What does this tell you about me?

Mat drives a hunter green Buick Regal. [Editor's note: It's a LeSabre dammit and damn proud!] He drives well - goes the speed limit (maybe a little over) and is patient. He’s all defense. No dents, no scratches. Nothing hanging from the mirrors, no stickers on the windows. There’s some stuff inside, but it’s not messy. There’s a velvet jacket in the back seat and if you’re lucky, there’s a Trivial Pursuit hiding under that jacket. There’s a shoe-box full of cd’s kept as an arm-rest for the front seat, and the tape adapter for the cd player. Mat’s eclectic style and short attention span is apparent by the genre and number of cd’s within that shoebox. He takes things slowly, but absorbs it all while doing so.

Andrea drives a white Dodge Neon. She’s a terror on the road with no respect. She’ll cut you off and leave you in her smoke. There might be a dent - I can’t recall. Scented perfumy things hang from her mirror. The car is trashed on the inside. Soda bottles, magazines, fast food wrappers, bags and bags and bags, and the occasional empty cigarette box. It’s a mess. She’s a wild child who speaks her mind when and where she wants to. If she likes you, she respects you. But, you have to earn that respect first.

Elle drives a Volvo. I’ve never met Elle, so I’ve never experienced her car or her driving style. But old Volvos’ are just the epitome of cool. And if it’s that off white/yellow color - even better! Having yet to meet Elle, I can’t say much about her personality, but the way she comes off is just the way I’d expect a Volvo driver to. Cool, laid back, and easy-going. A bit creative, a bit free-spirited/open minded.

Opus is thinking of getting a Ford Focus. Another person who I’ve yet to meet, but know through email. Sadly, I have no former opinions of the Focus to compare to Opus. But, I’d imagine all Focus drivers to have a *hint* of Opus-ness in them. That certain quality that everyone loves, that everyone immediately trusts and accepts. Quirkiness. The Focus has a quirky look about it - so it seems like it would fit Opus accordingly.

So remember the next time you’re off to buy a new car. What does that car say to you? How does it make you feel? What impression of the drivers do you get when passing that car on the highway? If you’re a speed demon, should you really be buying that Mustang or Corvette? And if you’re older, in your mid-life, don’t buy that colorful new Volkswagon Beetle. It’s not cute and you’re not 18 anymore. The car won’t make you younger or cool. It makes people like me laugh at people like you when I pass by.