last night….i had a conversation that opened my eyes to a few things that i wasn’t completely aware of. i mean….i knew what i was doing…..but i didn’t really think it was a problem. i thought i had complete control over it….and i think that maybe i don’t anymore. which really concerns me. i’m not ashamed of it…..which is why i’m able to post about it here. it’s something that i’m able to talk openly about. so i’m not in denial. but i think the real problem is that i don’t know if i can change it. and now i can’t stop thinking about it.
i guess it started when i decided to get healthy. my weight was always an issue with me….and i was so unhappy. depression was just a part of my life that i acccepted and lived with. and then i just had enough. and i got on this super disciplined diet. and within about a year and a half….i lost about sixty pounds. i was in disbelief. i was a completely different person…..inside and out. i was happy. sort of. i had to be so conscious of everything now. everything that i ate….everything that i did….everytime i was feeling down. i had to be on top of everything. it’s part of that discipline.
when i moved to baltimore….just by getting out of a place where crap food was king….i lost another ten pounds by eating what i wanted….rather than eating what was in front of me. that was probably in the first two months i was here. and now….i’ve dropped another ten with this exercise regiment i’ve put myself on. and i don’t know exactly what my weight should be….i’m 6’2….and now 175 pounds. so i’ve had to entertain conversations with friends….with family….and last night, with my girlfriend….about them being concerned that i have a problem. i didn’t think it was really a *problem* until last night when i really looked at what i’m doing.
i still don’t think i have an eating disorder. when i think of eating disorders….i think of after school specials…..”jenny, eat something!” that’s just not me. well….maybe it is. i guess now that i’m aware of it….i’ll be more conscious of it. but i still don’t know how to change it. i have to sit down and figure out a way that i can start eating at least 1200 calories a day. that’s healthy, right? i dunno. i have to educate myself soon before this goes too far. and i feel like i’m on the exact opposite side of things i was two years ago now. i just want to get it right. for a change.