Monthly Archive for October, 2006

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Tasty White Bag On My Mind

“Lulu, stop eating the fucking bag!”

A direct quote from Lulu’s mother, Emily. Yes, our pussies are weird creatures. And yes Lulu was trying to eat a white plastic bag filled with paper. Unless she’s trying to “shred” the evidence, we have a nutty pussy.

Lulu and her tasty white bag

Today On Track E

Today, on the platform at Baltimore’s Penn Station, while waiting for the MARC 513 train southbound to DC, I saw this woman.

She was sorta unattractive. And of course that was the first thing I noticed, because I have a penis, of course. I mean, she seemed as if she was a fine upstanding citizen. She could dress herself. Place her hair in a respectable manner, too. She wasn’t killing people, randomly of smell bad. I bet she bathed daily. The only serious issue I had with this woman was the fact that she was completely singing (outloud, too!) along to the Richard Marx song that was sadly being piped over the loudspeaker. Not only was she singing along, but she rocked her head forward and backward. She was almost mini-headbanging. All this, while actually seriouly singing along. And oh no, she was not making a mockery of Richard Marx’s deliberately obvious songs. This was one serious Richard Marx fan. She was actually enjoying the aural stimulation from the Duke of Marx as if his musical stimuli was like the second coming of Christ. I was on the verge of shoving my fingers down my throat and hurling vomit all over her nice new coat. So yes, the first thing I noticed was her lack of beauty. But I think it was all an instant pavlovian response to her song selection of the day. Or rather her willingness to sing along, outloud. She could have been a brazilian beauty queen and the vomit would have still flown across the platform. Mmmmm. Vomit. Richard Marx. Nothing better.

And those that hang on the tails of such hits as, “Hold on to the Night” and “Endless Summer Nights,” well you simply need a record collection makeover. We’re talking about the dude that sang back up for Lionel Richie. And for those that are unaware, Lionel is simply one step behind Barry Manilow. One step because he basically redeems himself on a daily basis by being a former member of the Commodores. Poor Lionel’s soul. Where o’ where did it go once you left the Commodores? Clearly not to Richard Marx.

Other than that mildly entertaining 10 second gaze and mild stare to the right while standing on the platform, it’s been a wonderful briskly monday morning in the city.

I [heart] you, Richard Marx singing girl!

Top 10 Unreleased Records

In no particular order:

  1. Dennis Wilson – Bamboo: Dennis was always the critics’ least favorite and because he was the drummer he was always dubbed the least talented. Without any factual backing, most critics only viewed him on a superficial level. Go figure. Amazingly (to the critics) he put out a beautiful, honest and heart-felt solo record in 1977 (Pacific Ocean Blue) that intentional or not, pretty much ironed out the sound and details for what would be come of the Flaming Lips. Sort of. The follow up to Pacific Ocean Blue was a record titled Bamboo. It was recorded and probably ready to finalize the mix and master. Unfortunately Dennis died a few years later and sadly it was never released. It’s been bootlegged for years now and I wish someday it will be remastered and released officially for the world to hear.
  2. Prince – Dream Factory: There really isn’t much more to say about this to-be-record than has already said. It’s the worlds greatest cheat to music and their fans. Perhaps the greatest travesty of all unreleased records. It’s his most adventurous and creative and his greatest arm reach to members of the Revolution. Eventually this record became Sign ‘O The Times, but in a regurgitated kind of way and without Wendy & Lisa’s direct influence. Of course their influence made it to Sign ‘O The Times, but it was more subtle than anything in Prince’s songwriting. Someday I hope Prince gets it in his head and releases this record. It’s perhaps his finest. Also included in this would be Crystal Ball (the original record from 1986 – not the compilation Prince released in the late 90s) which took Dream Factory and combined it with Camile.
  3. The Beach Boys (Brian Wilson) – SMiLE: Brian’s “teenage symphony for God” was supposed to be the follow-up to Pet Sounds. It was a to be a masterpiece. It is a masterpiece. Some say Pet Sounds inspired the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper and when Brian heard Sgt. Pepper he started loosing his mind. Regardless Brian received many ridiculous pressures from his bandmates, family and record label to not release such a record that departed from the cliche Beach Boys sound. It’s still a shame. The creative element to SMiLE would break down barriers to the limitations of pop music and pushed it to another level. It was a peak to aspire to. No longer was pop music only simple kid music to bounce around to.
  4. The Beatles – Let It Be: As produced and mixed by George Martin – While the Beatles never really liked the final Spector mix, I have always wanted to hear this first early 1969 mix that George Martin oversaw. In 2003 there was a de-Spector-ized version that came out which was probably closer to this mix. However this re-mix never really did much for me and sounded too polished sounding, ironically. Someday I am sure they will release it as it was intended. This also might tie up with the mono version of Sgt. Pepper. For a record that was made for a stereophonic experience the mono version is quite amazing and you can hear the record in an entirely different manner this way.
  5. Frank Zappa – All-Orchestral Lumpy Gravy: While this was actually released, it was only available briefly on 8-track. Why this was never put out on vinyl or re-released on CD is beyond me. I hope the Zappa Trust gets on this. Ryko really needs to get off their ass and release another Zappa creation. Also doubly-tied with this is Dance Me This, which was an album of unreleased Synclavier works that was completed right before his death and The Rage And The Fury which is a record Zappa produced, right before his death, of Edgard Varèse compositions performed by Zappa’s Ensemble Modern.
  6. Kraftwerk – Technopop: The follow up to Computer World which, at times, was my favorite Kraftwerk record. No one really knows why the record didn’t come out. Some people said it was because of difficulties with limited technology of the times. I think a few of the cuts were released on later records with the invention of MIDI to help with the tech problems of earlier years.
  7. The Featuresvarious: While I can’t site one record specifically, I have countless amounts of tracks that remain unreleased that I am sure were intended to be put together for a record. Many records. Why they have only released so few records is beyond me. In fact they really only have one full-length record. They are one of pop rock’s most talented untapped resources. They could be huge. Seems wasteful from my perspective.
  8. The KLF – The Black Room: This record was to be the counterpart to The White Room. While it’s largely unknown as to why this record was never released, there were rumors to have rock versions of songs from the White Room with Motörhead playing on them. There are supposed to be bootlegs of this floating around, but I’ve never heard it. There are even questions to the authenticity of this bootleg as well.
  9. Guns n’ Roses – Chinese Democracy: I guess it’s more a joke than anything. While most people don’t really care what Axl Rose is doing these days, it’s become a back-burner fascination of mine as to when, if ever, this record will be released. Quite honestly my interest in this band dissolved when the Use Your Illusions records came out and were a big disappointment to me. Most notably on Matt Sorum’s awful drum sounds and two disc set. This record should have been one record to keep the fluff to a minimum.
  10. The Who – Lifehouse: While this was semi-released in other random less cohesive formats, similar to Brian Wilson’s SMiLE project, this record has never been released as it was intended as a follow up to Tommy. Instead the plot was reworked and in 1978 Who Are You was released. While I’ve never been a HUGE Who fan nor has Who Are You been a favorite record of mine, there is something quite mystical about this unreleased record as well as many of the songs that were supposed to be on Lifehouse were on my favorite record of theirs called Who’s Next.