Tag Archive for 'Zut'

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there’s a feeling coming back connected by a thread

when will you come home?So today at work I got an email from Zut. I basically was stopped in my tracks. There was nothing really profound in the email. Turns out she got a kidney stone. Not the most pleasant thing in the world, but she says she is ok. None the less, I am not sure what it was. And she is planning to move somewhere by the New Year. She wants me to visit before then. I got the email and I almost had no desire to write her back. I cant fathom that idea. I think I was more blown away that I had no interest to write her back. Basically we’ve not spoken in any normal sense since last summer 2000. Yeah, we’ve exchanged emails moderately since then, but to me, that is pretty petty and insubstatial. Not one phone call from her either. Basically I gave up early fall last year with calling her and having one way conversations. Now she’s emailing me and writing me letters when SHE needs ME. Where was she last year? I just dont know. Perhaps I am over her. I think it’s pretty obvious I am. Can I be her friend? She was my ideal woman. She was my ideal. She was my ideal, but crushed me like a fly so unintentionally and slowly. How does this shit happen to me. I dont think I can do it anymore. Do what? I dont know, but something has to change. Something has to change real quick. There is just so much of her in my life. And the sick thing is, is that she hasnt been part of my life in over a year. And before that it had been even that many more years. What a fucked up deal. Or was it ideal. I need a clean slate. Will someone ever give me a clean slate? And to Zut: What do you want me to say? I am fine? I have plans? I have wisdom? I am doing fine? I hope you’re happy? I miss you? Wish you were here? Do you know how bad you hurt me? Do you know what you did? Will you ever? I am sorry. But it’s time to just move on. I wish you the best in your endeavors. I just dont think I can be a part of them. And I am not sorry anymore.

Today on the drive home from work I saw a license plate that read “KRAKOW” – and yes, if you ever saw MY SO CALLED LIFE that would ring a bell for you, or if you were a part of the Murfreesboro Underground Music Scene (MUMS?!) you would have known a band I was in called “THE REVENGE OF BRIAN KRAKOW” We could have ruled the world! Or did we? It was all about my light sensative theremin I made that had a 1/2 octave range.

Top 10 Songs of Right Now:

  1. THE CITY by the Dismemberment Plan
  2. I NEED YOU by the Kinks
  3. FUCKING HOSTILE (Pantera) by Kelley Deal
  4. RAMBLIN’ ROSE by the MC5
  5. SHINER by Rodan
  6. ACTIONIST by Mouse on Mars
  7. FOR NANCY by Pete Yorn
  8. THE PLAN by Built to SPILL
  9. P. FUNK (Wants To Get Funked Up) by Parliament
  10. BLUE THUNDER by Galaxie 500

ooh child things’ll get brighter

we gonna rock down to, electric avenueTonight I was making a mix tape for Zut. I havent written a letter to her since her last letter to me over a month ago. I just didnt have the words. I still dont. I had some tunes though. So I made her a mix:

track 1 side a is how i feel right now
side a
gathering storm – god speed you black emperor
gone for good – morphine
ooh child – the posies
care of cell 44 – the zombies
the plan – built to spill
you’re pretty good looking – the white stripes
pink houses – avail
police on my back – the clash
i am a tree – guided by voices

side b
vega – mons
white christmas – the flaming lips
crown of thorns – pearl jam
non-quivalents – juno
out of your life – bob mould
back before you go – j mascis and the fog
sonny – paloalto
all one to me – james

Then I got a call from Bex. So I picked her up and we went to the dinner and basically chain smoked. It was very good hanging with her. It was good having human contact at a fucked up time like this. Especially with her. Everything is OK with her. Dont know why, it just is. We also did MASH. My first time. Here’s what we came up with:

claire danes
“The Part-Timer”
Rudy Huxtable

Recording Engineer
Taxi Cab Driver


El Camino



Golden Retriever
Black Lab

Frank Zappa
Jane’s Addiction

Alan Cummings
Mike Tobacco

Dancer (not that kind)
Fashion Designer
Crossing Guard


El Camino
Piece of shit


Colored Glass
Bottle Cap Shack


Massive Attack
Barenaked Ladies
Erika Badu

they were getting interviewed by some good man whose name was bill

sun shines in the rusty morningSoundtrack of the day: Pixies’ doolittle, Black Box Recorder’s the facts of life, Pink Floyd’s the dark side of the moon, Perry Farrell’s song yet to be sung, Smashing Pumpkin’s machina, Radiohead’s at ground zero interview, Air’s 10,000hz legend, Bouncing Soul’s how i spent by summer vacation, Built to Spill’s ancient meoldies, Jimmy Page and the Black Crowes’s live at the greek, Superchunk’s incidental music, Cheap Trick’s greatest hits.

We moved. At least at work we did. We are now closer to where I live. It’s a double edged sword. It’s nicer and swankier and my office is larger than life. I do share it with Korinne. But she is cool and harmless. She takes a lot of shit, so i give her that. Anyways. It’s also dope cos my commute is now 10-15 minutes in the morning and drive home. Love it man. The downside is it’s in a huge corporation office building. So be it. I think everything else weighs that out. Oh and the fact that the morning show had 20 stippers on the show this morning. Yeah, 20 strippers on the Rockville Pike yelling at cars driving by. Then they bathed with Bryan in the fountain in the lobby. God, i have the strangest job ever. You can see it all at www.dc101.com, if you dare.

Nothing else is really going on. I think I am strung out on doing shit. I still need a break. Maybe I need a woman. Prolly both. Which reminds me of a funny story. My friend from high school, this dude named Jordan, told me once that this song by the Pixies called DEBASER was written about them being in the studio next to MC Hammer and his (Hammer’s) bass was so loud they (the Pixies) wrote the song about it detailing their need to lower bass. I almost believed him for a second. I still laugh at the thought of it. What a funny (looking) guy. Good times were had by all. We had our first pipe of pot together and got taken home by the cops. And both on the same night.

And now whenever I hear the Pixies I think of Zut. I think of college and my first year there. I think of the cold autumns waking up with her next to me. It was quite blissful. She was warm and soft. Listening to Ned’s Atomic Dustbin and watching X-files from her bed on a friday night when everyone else was partying. I remember her crimping my hair. I remember coloring in coloring books with crayons. I remember making her mix tapes. I remember watching Ed tying himself to a tree with dental floss with a mirror at his head. We called that “art”. Very interesting people. Nothing else mattered. I remember when she moved to the room next door and her ‘rents came to help. I remember Zut’s father’s mustache was mesmerizing. I knew when I saw that mustache that my life would never be the same. I remember that time when I went home to her parent’s house. Her dog was very old and couldn’t see well and would walk in to the walls. It was very sad. We also watched the HBO Pee Wee thing with her Mom. And I slept in the basement the first night. The second night I got to sleep in Zut’s bed and I later found out she slept on her sister’s floor. I still feel bad. Those were good times. No question the best time of my life. Just like that Bryan Adams song. Yeah yeah yeah. God, i am nostalgic. I think I need to sleep. Sleep deprivation drive me nuts. This monkey’s gone to heaven. And wants one fine Yankee monkey to come rescue him.