elect oprah! elect brian! elect vinh!

VINH! You’re Different!Oprah makes me pretty much laugh. I don’t know what it is, back in the days where she had midget wrestlers cheating on their wives/sisters with barnyard animals like everyone else, she had my respect. Then she began trying to save the world. First, it was the Angel Network thing. Hokey, but I didn’t watch her show anymore (reference the previous lack of midgets/cheaters comment) so it didn’t really matter. She was trying to do something good for the world. And housewives in kitty sweaters and wooden bead necklaces with things like #1 MOM on them rejoiced throughout the midland.

Then came her special doctor guys who starting telling all the midland housewives that they need GRL POWER! And to stop eating chocolate. And to get some Jesus. Okay, Dr. Billy. These guys get there diplomas off TV and then act CHARISMATIC and like Jesus is their co-pilot, and then Oprah thinks they are cute and adopts them and they make millions. I love it, they are brilliant. I could so do that! Tel me your problems.

Then the magazine came. Her face is overtaking my parents home. It’s so creepy. Mom. Stop getting this magazine. (Insert quick story here: My mother had a client who was CRAZY. Really, nuts. Used to call my parents house from her hospital talking about radio waves in her head. Yep, in an institution. And in her Christmas cards, Crazy Lady used to put tear-out inspirational message cards, straight from the OPRAH magazine. Rad! This is a sign.)

But then the book clubs got spiritual too and spiritual spiritual spiritual JESUS GOD spiritual DR. PHIL Jesus…….and she started having SPIRIT MOMENTS and the world started trying to spin faster just to throw me off of it so I wouldn’t succumb to some violent streak against Oprah.

But the thing that is worst to me is the Book Club. Granted, she has gotten people who spent their whole lives reading the Weekly World News to read books again. (I love that part in “So I Married an Axe Murderer, where the Scottish mom refers to the WWN as “the paper”. She is like the ultimate symbolic Orpah fanwoman.) So, like I was saying, she’s single handedly perverting the publishing industry, and I would eat a baby if she ever had anything by David Foster Wallace (or Frank Zappa, yeah!) on her list. All her books are about beaten/raped women who escaped their situations and rose to became great people, or beaten/raped slave women who escaped their situations and rose to became great people.

So, a new idea for her Book Club. Make it like a reality show, I’ve heard that’s hip nowdays. And you know how Oprah and I like to be hip. Lock all these women in a decedant Oprah room with special tea and diet snacky-snacks and big comfy pillows and fabrics that cost more than my soul is worth. Have them read “Ruth’s Story” or “Saving Mary” or “Bastard Girl Who is Beaten with Chains and Falls in Love” or “Love and Jewelry in Savannah,” and then set a rabid dog loose in the room. Whoever can get out wins lunch with the author. Happy reading.

Less Psychotic

Plans for tonight include seeing “Zoolander.” (“I’m pretty sure there’s more to life than just being really, really good looking, and I plan on finding out what that is.”) Then I have a wedding to attend on Saturday, so I will not be able to go see David Byrne, which sucks. But I am sure the lovely guy in the Misfits shirt at 930 will be happy not to see me for one night.

If anyone is looking for a Byrne ticket for Saturday night, email me. I might have one for you.

Speaking of movies my favorite movie forever was “Gleaming the Cube.” Maybe it still is my favorite. Christian Slater as Brian. With the half-blond dreds, and then he turns preppy when his brother Vinh dies? I love it. “You’re different, Brian. You’re gleaming the cube.” Undeniably funky. Does anyone know if that is out on DVD? It should be. Even if I don’t own a DVD player. I can get it for Sig, and force him to watch it with me.

Elect Jesus

I saw a bumper sticker yesterday on my way home from work that said “Elect Jesus Your King.” I am confused, because King’s aren’t elected, doesn’t that go against the whole monarchy/royal family lineage thing? And besides, who would want to campaign AGAINST Jesus? You’d need some mad, mad dough.

Teach Your Kids Geography

This Salon article was great. Yesterdays article on “America the Ignorant.” Go read.

“For decades we’ve been reading about how American schoolchildren can’t find Mexico or Canada on a map, and yet nothing seems to change,” says Ransdell. “These people who don’t know the difference between Switzerland and Swaziland then become the main consumers of news. And in poll after poll they tell us that they want less foreign news and more of what I call ‘selfish journalism’ — which stocks to buy, sex and beauty tips, 10 steps to a healthier colon and so on. It becomes this horrible feedback loop where people are sent out of our schools in a state of complete ignorance of the rest of the world and then, maybe because they’re embarrassed, clamor for even less information on something they know almost nothing about.”

4 Responses to “elect oprah! elect brian! elect vinh!”

  • dear elle:

    hi, jackass? yeah. it says right on the picture YOU YOURSELF uploaded… DVD. So, that means it is probably out on DVD. Go kick yourself.


  • Heh, it does.

    I dislike Oprah too, there`s just something unsettling and meglomaniacal about her. You said it much better though. Kudos.

  • the freaky thing is that Oprah’s new BOTM (Franzen’s “The Corrections”) actually has been discussed extensively on the DFW list (aka the daily-rants-on-why-Dave-Eggers-is-the-antichrist list).

    and you so tempt me with your waving around the possibility of David Byrne tix, but i’m too broke and besides my saturday night belongs to Nels Cline, swoon

  • who knew? it still doesnt make up for a thousand other shoddy picks of stella getting her groove back claptrap.

    ah, O!


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