pret a porter

Jesus looks just like Kevin Smith! A Letter to my favorite CEO

Dear Mr. Leif Johansson;

Although I have always been told that Volvo’s are cars “built to last”, the past two used Volvo’s I have purchased have been anything but sturdy. While I’m sure many Volvo’s will run forever and reach 200,000 miles +, they must be completely rebuilt cars.

Leif, I tried to keep an open mind. After all, I am riding alongside you in the Scandinavian Brotherhood, as far as I know, us Danes really don’t have a problem with you Swedes. Sure, I mean, there was that whole Viking/terror thing a few years back, but I think you were kind of involved with that too.

Anyways, Leif, I know you don’t know me. You are a wealthy executive, and I would bet my next paycheck that you have a PLETHORA of cars to choose to drive when you leave the manse every morning, that is, if you drive yourself to work. Notice I said I would bet my paycheck, but I can’t, mostly because I am trying to rearrange my bank account so I can finance a nice reliable Honda. I don’t have a paycheck to wager.

Let me give you a quick ‘slice of life:’ My 740 has had over $1,500 work in the past WEEK ALONE. AAA towing is programmed on my cell phone, they are a lovely organization who has towed my 740 over 15 times since I purchased it in 1996. (I have a crush in particular on one guy named Randy who works the DC Emergency services on Tuesday nights, he is super nice and has a cute speech impediment. Hi Randy! Also, Carl on the phone shift in the NoVa office Thursday nights. A shout out to Carl!) I tried to count up how many times this particular vehicle has been towed, I honestly think it’s closer to twenty, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt at 15. It is, in all honesty, no less than that. There was a period in college when it was towed four separate times for four separate problems within a two week period.

Please do not tell me I have bought ‘fluke lemon.’ Also, I KNOW that this car is 15 years old. But someone is spreading vicious lies about your automobiles, that they can last for ’30 years!’ and regularly reach ‘300,000’ miles!’ YAY!!!!

I‘m only writing about my 740 right now, if you want me to write my opinions on the 1984 240 I once owned which nearly got me killed, ruined my brand new stereo system, was totaled mby insurance fuckers, and introduced me to the Loudoun County Court System (guilty, Your Honor) I can do that in a separate letter.

The wiring problems first come first to mind- the 2 Volvo’s I owned have had awful electrical problems; this 740 included a meltdown of sorts several years back that led me to have a man named Norman fix it up with bubble gum wrappers. Also, Norman had bumper stickers all over his garage that said things like ‘let’s run over Hillary Clinton with our Volvos!’ and ‘Guns don’t kill people, I KILL PEOPLE.’ Hooray. Nothing more fun than fearing for your life from a crazed right-winger mechanic. I thought the Volvo was the automobile equivalent of Janis, the free-love hippie life, no?

I am currently in the process of fixing the fuel pump, the pre-pump, relay, and filter, as well as an oil leak. In case you were curious, the mechanic I currently use (my fifth in the Commonwealth of VA, my third in the DC Metro area) had his daughter call me. She feels bad for me, so they are giving me a break on the labor charge to fix the fuel pump. So I only owe them $850 dollars.

Just last week, I replaced the alternator, the battery (which had been running off the alternator) and bushing brackets. That was over $500.

When the car is actually working (rarely) it is comfortable and I have enjoyed it. I giggle when I hear people talk about how safe Volvo’s are- I always feel like I’m in a death trap.

Regarding the dealership I purchased this from: I have concerns I was swindled there. When I purchased it, the odometer read 48,000 miles, a VERY low sum for a car like this, and almost ten years old.

The dealer insisted the vehicle had been used for “city driving only”, and that’s why the mileage was so low. The body of the car was in beautiful shape, and the interior was great as well. However, the brake pedal was quite worn, and with all the various problems I have encountered, I now have concerns that the car’s true mileage was never told to me. The dealer was a balding man named Larry or Phillip or something equally car-salesman-bland, so tracking him down may be a problem. I am sure he has disappeared into the nebulous underground of salesman by now, hiding behind cheap ties, on his way to get another sucker in Houston, Boston, maybe even Canada.

Hey- by the way. I heard you just bought Renault. Good luck with that. I once rented a Renault. I also once ate my own feces and then licked the face of George W. Bush. Comparable situations.

I weep for your 74,112 employees.

Goodbye you bastard,



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1 Response to “pret a porter”

  • I am so sorry about that car.
    I once thought about buying a SAAB, but realized that SAAB in a scandinavian tongue meant "Glutton for Punishment."
    Buy that honda and celebrate no more drama in your life, my love.


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