Monthly Archive for November, 2000

Page 2 of 9

czar paws thwart chinks

yum!From the Shawn files…what a freak of nature this Shawn boy is. I guess this is yet another downfall of what college can do to you, or how it can entertain two chaps at the Discovery Channel or neither of the above…

Dear John,

Sorry about the less than enthralling conversation last night, I didn’ t mean to put you to sleep. My mind is currently preoccupied by dirty papers and tests that are all due this week which greatly influence my fun factor. It’s out of control. I definitely need a hug or something to cheer me up. I promise after my last test on Thursday I’ll be much more positive and gleeful for the Versus show. I should be happy anyway; Icee Bear is no longer on probation.

Last night after I called you, Kristin and I went to CVS because her hole still itches (perhaps you don’t want to hear about this but I have to tell someone.) She thinks it might be pinworm or hemorrhoids. I think she might just need to shower more or wear less thong underwear. The amount of anti-anal-itch creams CVS had was overwhelming. I almost became teary-eyed. After a long debate over whether Preparation H or Anusol (I am not making this up) was right for her, she chose Preparation H because it has more publicity. I guess she’s never heard the slogan, Before you can say Anusol.

Okay, my break is up. Kristin rendered me useless last night after we went shopping for butt products and shoes so I went to bed and I am now working all day, nonstop on these sordid papers that are due tomorrow. I’ll talk to you soon. Versus will be fun. Unrelated: Stevie Wonder is an amazing artist. His song about holidays is exquisite!


Maybe She’s Just Pieces…

mat as babyTime Check? 48 hours and 45 minutes until lift off.

Ladies and Gentleman, I am headed down to that big honky state one more time. That’s right – you’ve heard it from the source, I am going to Austin to sit on the lap of good ol’ georgie boy and I’m going to be the very first Yankee in Austin telling that sore loser where to go. Personally, I believe that this has gotten out of hand. Do you see the Mets contesting the fact that they suck and lost the subway series? No, you don’t. Why not? Because Derrick Jeter would be the first to start kicking some Queens fanny. Just as
Al Gore and his hot shot (not such a bad thing) legal team is doing. Al isn’t doing anything wrong down there in the sunny mathematically challenged state of Florida, he’s just trying to make the home run that Marv Albert forgot to call.

This is how it is: Scantron sheets, legitimately (aside from voting in Palm Beach county) are ballots. Do we all remember when we were in High School and we had to take a math test on a scantron sheet? Well, after you’d take the test what would your teacher do? He or She would go over the it with you right. That’s all that they are trying to do in Florida, they just want to check and make sure that your blank is filled in thoroughly, properly and with a number 2 pencil. George, is that so wrong??

I am quite done with “Decision 2000.” I have decided. That, in and of itself, should be enough.’s Presidential Election Coverage will now be ending. I’m done, I’m actually quite tired of this debacle and feel as though if no one else will deem ourselves a president, why the hell can’t I? So, now my friends, I am electing Al Gore as our President. Al, my man, you win. Take the cake, go home, wait til January and pick your cabinet members because *I* have deemed thee, President of the United States.

See, normally in real life it is that easy to pick a President. Apparently, someone forgot to inform my lovely friends in the Republican GOP of this. They also forgot that I will be in Austin this week, the week of the “revolutionary decision” of the Supreme Court. Not only will I be in Austin, but I will be in Austin and on vacation and with absolutely nothing to do. So, hopefully you all will be watching on CNN because you are going to see Kristen with a big huge Texan style cup of Jamba Juice, a breakfast burrito, and a sign (if my boyfriend will actually let me out of the house once he realises my ultimate plan for Friday afternoon) stating that I, Personally Declare Al Gore Our President.

For the next week I will be reporting from Governor George Bush’s Mansion in Austin, Texas if there are any signs or messages that anyone would like me to deliver to the poor sport or his “supposed” cabinet members, or any CNN, FOX, MSNBC, NBC CBS, AP press member you’d like me to speak with on your behalf please feel free to email me. It is going to be my day with Chris Matthews and we are going to be playing hardball – NYC style. My dear friends, I will see you in Austin.

[Editor’s note: Don’t blame me: I voted for Frank Zappa.]

alone, for the moment

Soundtrack of the day: The Sea and Cake’s nassau, Tortoise’s tnt, Television’s blowup, Faust’s IV, Midnight Oil’s deisel and dust, A Minor Forest’s constituent parts, Brian Eno’s here come the warm jets, & INXS’s kick.

um, no clue who or why or what this is